Hello world! It's been a long time since I posted, and I feel like I'm repeating myself with every post by saying that. Graduate school life is consuming my very existence, but I will try my best to get back on track with this blog. I created this blog with hopes of finding a safe, pure, beautiful place to open up about my own spirit, my thoughts, and about my silly puppy. 

With saying that, it breaks my heart to say that one of my puppies, my very best friend, passed away on Tuesday. My blog has centered around my newest puppy, Gracie, but I have had another puppy for ten years. He was my best friend, my sweet buddy, and the curliest haired dog I'd ever seen. I picked him out of a litter when I was in the eighth grade, and he has been at my side since then. I never in a million years expected to come home late that night from school to find out that my puppy had died, and not only died, but had been killed by a car driving past my neighborhood. I've shed many tears over his death, and for a moment, I didn't understand why he had to die, especially in such a terrible way. I already miss my puppy terribly. I keep expecting to see his curly head pop out around a corner, or for me to wake up and find him cuddled up against my back. I will always miss him and think of him. I'm grateful that God blessed me with such a wonderful fur baby. I wish God had not taken him away so suddenly, or in such a horrible way, but I know that he's in a better place, running around and playing with all the other puppies that have passed on. 

Now it's just me and Gracie, and I hope that I can be a good mommy for her. I pray that God will help me to fully understand the lesson that came with losing my puppy. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, even the things that are heartbreaking. I feel that I am not at a place to accept that reason yet, but I pray that God will help me to embrace it, learn from it, and cope with the loss of my best friend. 

Today, I don't have a moral lesson to talk about in my post. I'm simply leaving this post with my own dilemma. Perhaps someone out there is facing a similar dilemma, but I assure you, God will answer. As long as you are open to God's voice, He will speak. 

So stay positive my friends! Keep smiling, the world is still moving, and life is still blossoming. Keep on keeping on :)

Headaches and Separation

Hello hello!

It's been months since I've posted so surely we have some catching up to do. I recently completed my first semester of grad school (don't worry, I passed), have watched Gracie grow up and become a killer soccer player (she also loves football) and have come to realize a great deal about myself. Oh, I forgot to mention that Gracie is now a skilled swimmer (I'm pretty sure she's actually a genius, and by genius I mean completely obnoxious sometimes). I've been forced into doing an awful lot of soul searching lately, a task that I'm still undertaking with constant prayers and a lot of caffeine induced headaches. The headaches, whether caused by caffeine, stress, lack of rest, or my favorite as of lately ATTACK OF THE SINUS PRESSURE, are all an important part of our daily lives and our growth, and even our intimacy with God. Uh yes, I said it, our relationship with God.

Having a intimate relationship with God isn't easy. We're constantly bombarded with temptations that get between us and God. We get distracted by our schedules, our jobs, our personal relationships, and sometimes even ourselves (yep, we are some pretty selfish people sometimes). Our own society desperately tries to craft us into an ideal example of today's culture, demanding that we look a certain way, act a certain way, be in a certain political party, and lose sight of whatever is at our core. We are driven by the people around us and the media to be larger than life success stories. So many of us have broken families, numbness within our hearts, and destructive factors that we accept as part of who we are.

Sounds like a ton of reasons to have a headache.

It's hard to strip all that away and see the simplicity of what is actually at hand. Society is not our creator. Our country isn't what defines who we are. It's not what school we go to, what sport teams we like, what brand of clothes we wear, the number on our scale (and mine is a little high for my liking). We all come from the same place, and that place is from God. How humbling it is to know that we were brought to life and handcrafted by a being that is completely beyond definition. God is in everything around us, or let me put it even more simply, God IS everything around us. We are in a constant state of being with God. Then how is it so hard to be close to Him?

We constantly forget that God has intentions for us. God has a plan for everything we do, but we hinder that plan with other things. Don't worry though, God is also the most forgiving and understanding (how did we get so lucky?). God understands our troubles, even the silly ones, like how upset we get during traffic or when our plans fall apart. God knows us for exactly what we are because God made us. We find ourselves feeling so depressed, tired, and frustrated in life. It's because we're trying to meet the standards of other people and fit into roles that shouldn't even be ours. We aren't trying to be who we really are, the core that God so perfectly put together.

We all have things about us that are at the core of who we are. Some of us are good listeners, others are better talkers, and some of us are just really good at making others feel better. When we try and think about what makes us who we REALLY are, it's good to start with the personality traits that draw other people towards us. What is it that makes someone excited about seeing me? Is it that I'm really nice? Could it be that I'm very honest? There's something about each one us that makes us shine out in a dark room, and that light comes from God. God dwells within all of us, so we shouldn't feel concerned with becoming what our society or the media puts out on display. We should want to be as much like God, or who we are in our most genuine form, as possible.

In my next post, I want to talk about another topic that is so important to getting close to God. It's a problem that we have ALL encountered, and since so many people are graduating right now, I feel that the topic is completely relevant. So until next time, God bless, and remember that when life gives you stress, open your arms and just praise God, because I promise you, everything is completely under control.

Why Should We Trust God?

It's been a really long time since I last posted! I've been super busy settling into graduate school life, but I absolutely love it. It feels amazing once you start falling into the path that God has laid out for you. In this post, I want to focus specifically on a really scary word: Trust.

For some of us, trust is extremely hard to hand out. I know for me, it's been nearly impossible. I would definitely blame certain things in my life as being contributing factors for my lack of trust, but in reality, trust doesn't have to be that difficult. Some of us have been betrayed in friendships, romantic relationships, job situations, and other important times in our lives. Opening up your heart can be one of the hardest things in the world to commit to. However, that's what God calls us to do.

We can't expect our life to run smoothly if we're fighting to trust God. God shouldn't have to earn our trust. Think about it: God gave us everything. He gave us a beautiful world to call our own. He has given us an opportunity to be great because we are His creation. Best of all, God sacrificed the most important thing to Him, Jesus Christ, so that we could be blessed with an intimate connection to God and a way to eternity with Him. Isn't that pretty great? So why in the world would we feel so distressed to trust God?

I know we've all been there. Something happens and your first reaction is, "God, why? Why me? Why now?" and then we feel betrayed because this certain thing in our life didn't go like we wanted it to. This eventually turns to anger towards God, or resentment, or pure frustration because we can't understand God's ways. However, the point of the whole thing is not to necessarily understand God, because that's impossible. God is far too fantastic and perfect for us to wrap our heads around. The point is to TRUST God despite our inability to understand Him. As a human being, this is crazy. We desire understanding, we constantly need to figure things out. But with God, we have to stop and surrender to Him and what we can't fully comprehend.

Trusting God can be difficult at first. It goes against what comes easy to us. The first thing I suggest is prayer. It's okay to ask God for help, especially in these sorts of things. God wants to help us whenever we ask. Don't be ashamed to ask God things like, "God, help me love you better" or "God, I'm struggling to trust you. Please help me to trust you even when it may be difficult, and help me to believe that you have my best interest at heart". I know this was difficult for me. I felt ashamed to ask God something like that. Honestly though, we should never feel ashamed to ask God for things like this in prayer, because let's be blunt--God knows everything about us. So, He already knows that we're struggling with it! Prayer is our way of intimately communicating with God, so use it!

Within the past few months, I have begun truly making changes in my life so that I can better trust God. Since I have, I have felt so much more at peace with my life and have noticed things smoothly occurring in my life. Even if I have something that's an annoyance come up, I tell myself, "It's okay Lauren, this is all a part of God's plan for me" and then my stress is gone. Trust is one of the key components of living a Godly life and a life of spiritually. God desires our trust and deserves it completely. It won't happen overnight, but prayer and an open heart will make it much easier.

So with that I shall now scurry off to do wonderful graduate school work. God Bless!

My Testimony

I mentioned in my previous post that I had a testimony that was trying to get out. Tonight, I felt a calling to state it. It's never easy to speak about tragedy in our lives, especially when it comes to things like a broken case of innocence. I could speak about several things that affected me growing up, but I will only talk about what I believe is the most significant. It's also something that forever changed the course of my life, and has set my goals into action. Some of my friends already have an idea of what this may be about, others will have no idea. The fact that this may come to a shock to some clearly illustrates the point that we must always be aware that people have secrets, and we should never judge. Never.

When I was in high school, it seemed like I had everything. I lived in a nice neighborhood, my dad drove a corvette, I was talented, and I was attractive. I was surrounded by friends while in the band, even if I wasn't friends with the kids that were deemed "popular". I had goals; I was going to major in clarinet performance and I was going to write books. Yet, it doesn't take a lot sometimes to make a person lose their focus. Let me tell you a little about character:

I care about people with all my heart. The thought of my parents being sad makes me cry, and I can't even describe the way thinking about my nieces and nephew can make me break out into a smile. I love hard and when I commit myself to someone, I make them my everything. Stating that, it's not hard for me to say that I had weird priorities for someone my age. I wasn't really thinking about college, I was trying to figure out how to find happiness in a relationship. I just wanted to make someone happy, so bad that it would drive me crazy sometimes. I didn't have a lot of self worth, and I felt increasingly like my looks were what made me who I was. I don't know if parents truly realize the way girls can be treated while in high school, and not just high school, but middle school. I was made into an object in middle school, having my body judged at an age where we're already stressed to death over our bodies and emotions. High school didn't help things, and from the very beginning, I always felt singled out. I would hear stories about the guys talking about having sex with me, and the guys acting like they could. I was fourteen, and I can remember sitting there thinking, "Is that what I'm supposed to be good for? Why would someone think they can do that with me? What kind of vibe am I even giving off?" These thoughts followed me throughout high school and it was always in the back of my mind.

Then in my junior year, I met him. He was a waiter in a restaurant that my family frequented and I thought he was cute. I crushed on him, especially after he gave me attention. He was older than me by a couple of years, and that was flattering to me, at the time. It wasn't long before we went on a date, and I was excited with the idea of someone older, and who I thought would be more mature, being interested in me. I thought surely he, someone a little older, would like me for who I was. He seemed charming, but the second night we were together, everything changed. Immediately.

The second night we were together, we were laying there and he kept pressuring me to sleep with him. I felt wrong about it, obviously because I barely knew him. I was stubborn about it and rejected him over and over again. Then I slipped my hand under his pillow and felt a knife, and not just a small pocket knife, but a huge hunting style knife. He asked me to be his girlfriend in the middle of us having sex.

Girls would constantly tell me, "Lauren! Your boyfriend is so cute, and he's going to be a doctor? That's insane girl!" and I can remember sitting there saying, "Oh yeah, you know, he's great," but inside I wanted to say, "He scares me to death, and I can't tell you." My closes friends suspected something from the beginning, especially after I began withdrawing from them. I didn't do it by choice. He threatened to hurt my friends, and I didn't doubt that he would. He would twist situations to the point that he had me turning on my own friends, and it's difficult to explain, but he had made me into what he wanted. I walked around my school without talking, avoiding my friends, and avoiding any situation that could get me in trouble with him. It seemed like it was impossible to keep anything from him, whether it was me speaking to a friend after class, or getting a text message from a guy friend. My grades slipped tremendously, mainly because I was skipping class to stay at his dorm on campus. There, we had our usual routine, and that I won't go into. I recall one time, we got into a fight, and I told him I was going to school. His roommate was sitting on the computer, trying desperately to ignore our argument. As I grabbed my things up, he grabbed me and held me up against the wall, stating plainly that I couldn't go. I remember crying and thinking, "Why isn't his roommate doing something?"

It wasn't long after that that his roommate changed roommates and I didn't see him anymore after that.

Our relationship consisted of nothing but arguing and sex. I felt like nothing, and I hated him more than I can find words to explain. I was constantly raped, cussed, and threatened. I felt the most trapped after one incident. He had gone with me to a concert at the university, which I was going to for extra credit for class. I loved band, and I loved clarinet. I wasn't allowed to talk about clarinet or music, however, because he knew nothing about the subject, and he couldn't stand the idea that I may know more about something than he did. He became angry with me, and why, I can't remember. We were leaving the concert in his car, when I finally couldn't stand him anymore. He was screaming at me, and I pushed his face away from me, and in that moment, he slung his arm around and hit me in the throat. I remember I couldn't breathe, and on the way home, I sat there with my face against the window thinking I would never get out of this.

People often say, "Why didn't you tell someone?" And it's hard to explain unless you've gone through the situation. You're ashamed, you feel broken, and you're terrified. I'll give this example, to try and make it better to understand. For Christmas that year, I asked for a North Face backpack. That was all I wanted. He gave me one, and I sobbed out of happiness, over a backpack. It wasn't about the backpack though. It was because I had been abused to the point that something given to me by my abuser was like a glimmer of hope. That same night, he threatened to kill me. This was also the same night that he admitted to cheating on me. He told me the story, crying and begging for my sympathy, and I remember I numbly sat there and held him. Only an hour later, he held me over the side of a cliff that I couldn't even see the bottom of in the dark. I felt like I was about to die, and I cried and begged him not to, and he finally threw me behind him and let me sit in the gravel and cry.

That was when I finally knew I had to stop it. It wasn't easy, and for years I was afraid of him, even after I left him and ended all contact with him. I have realized now that he can't hurt me, but it took a lot to make me see that. For years I had nightmares, and finally a therapist told me I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder  from the entire experience. I still am embarrassed over things that happened, and there will be things that I will never talk about.

But this is the conclusion to my testimony. I forgave him, and I prayed for him. I still do, and I constantly pray that God will heal him. I still worry sometimes that ten years from now, a news bulletin will come up stating that he has murdered his wife or has abused his children. I finally decided though that I won't be a victim. I am the person that I am today because of what I went through, and I will use what I've learned to help other people. God brings us through tragedy to give us our purpose. Mine is to get my masters in criminal justice and advocate for victims of crime, and understand why people commit acts that can destroy others.

I thought that year of my life would kill me. God had other plans, and God brought me through it. There is nothing that is happening that you can't endure, because God has made you to be a survivor and to be a fighter. That is my testimony.

Forgive Easily

Gracie has enough joy that she could definitely hand it out to a few people, me in particular. She's always bouncing around the house, mauling my other dog, and looking at me with those huge brown eyes. She's incredibly spunky, even when I attempt to scold her. She doesn't cower away; it's more like she leaps away, but her tail is still wagging. I can't decide if she is just incapable of being depressed, or if my cries of "NO!" just aren't loud enough.

I've had a huge weight that I've been carrying for a while now, and I still can't place exactly what it is. It's been with me for probably years now, recreating itself based off of whatever situation I'm going through. The weight feels the same, but I have learned to deal with it much differently now. I will admit readily that I am not a perfect follower of Christ. I make mistakes every day, and for a long time, I kept myself from asking for forgiveness. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I didn't want to admit that I was doing something wrong, or if I simply had tried to twist God's unconditional love into something like blind love. In my last post, I mentioned that God woke me up and reminded me that I hadn't changed. I was still carrying a burden that I wouldn't let God handle. All I wanted to do was continue to feed that burden because it felt justifying for me. It's easy for us to get angry, and usually when we get angry, we want to get REALLY angry. We don't want to just say "No, it's alright", we want to keep at it and call up our best friend and tell them just how much we hate so and so. I caught myself doing it today.

I learned an important lesson one day from a doctor I see every now and then. He told me that it isn't right for us to try and handle the people who wrong us. Instead, we should pray for them. He said, "Lauren, when you sit down to pray, what you should say is 'God, thank you for this amazing day. Thank you for the breath I have breathed. Please, bless (fill in the blank). I forgive them, and I pray that you will bless them'". He then went on to explain to me that, "Often times, we feel like we need to feel a sense of justice. We feel like that person deserves to be hurt just like we did. But in reality, when we ask God to bless them, we are not only asking that God will be good to them, but that God will give them what it is that they deserve. Blessing is a form of justice." It's weird to think about at first, but I later understood exactly what he meant. This prayer was something I immediately took into action about something that I'm sure I'll eventually get into in a later post. I have a testimony that I've been dying to let loose.

Gracie knows that I love her, no matter how mad she makes me. No matter how many pairs of underwear she eats, I still manage to forgive her. God will always forgive us if we are willing to ask. We shouldn't be prideful before God. God created us and each one of us individually is a part of His great work. Even our mess ups have a way of shaping things, and I believe it ultimately is for God's overall plan. We have to be hopeful, because if we were not, what would we be living for? When we try to forgive those in our own lives, it can be a huge struggle. It's not hard for God. Jesus died for us so we could have the opportunity to be in touch with God, so that we could even have the chance to gain forgiveness. We should pray daily that God will help us to forgive like Him. I pray every night that God will help me to love like He can, because I know my love is imperfect, especially when I feel like I've been injured.

Keep your head up readers, and let God handle it.

When He Speaks

Gracie hates the be put in the kitchen. Every time we lock her up, she howls and cries, but eventually settles down on her pillow and sleeps. We keep her confined when we aren't at home, or when she just gets too wild to be dealt with. She's still a puppy, so her energy far out stretches our own. 

I just graduated college and I honestly felt like I had everything under control. I was having fun with my friends and even though I'd become emotionally numb, I thought I was doing what I deserved. But I was also doing some things that I knew weren't okay, deep down, even if they were a fun distraction. I was drinking, mainly because I thought it was acceptable at my age. I'm 21, I'm supposed to do this stuff. 

Then God stopped me in the way He knew would catch my attention the loudest. He struck where it would hurt, and even now I feel some sting from it. However, I see clearly now that what I thought was making me feel better was really doing the opposite. It wasn't me, and I knew it all along, deep down. The words still echo within me "you haven't changed". I thought I had. I had tried so hard to change, but it was true, I had not. 

My attention to God had drifted. 

I keep Gracie locked up sometimes because she needs boundaries. She needs my eyes on her. God gave us boundaries for protection and for guidance. 

I am thankful for the boundaries that have been set for me and I am glad that I have a God who knows me so well. Though I am hurting, He is there to comfort me. 

Strength After Fear

So yesterday was a bad day, but guess what? Life goes on! Today, I feel far better than I did yesterday, simply because I prayed last night that God would give me the strength to do what is best or me. I prayed not for what I wanted to do, or what might make me feel good, but what was best for me. I felt exhausted as I let those words slip from my mouth, but I already feel so much comfort and relief. Asking for God's plan to be fulfilled can be scary, because deep down we know that what we want may not line right up with what God wants. Once we come to realize that God's plan is ultimately more perfect than we could ever imagine...it becomes much simpler. Trying to fight against the will of God is tiring. It wears us down until we have nothing left within ourselves but a desire to know God. That desire can get bogged down by all kinds of things that are a part of our flawed world. I know yesterday, I had a moment of pure anger and fear and I shoved my bible from my bed and said "Enough of this!" and I felt defeated and cried until all I could do was talk to God about it. I felt guilty for what I had said and felt, but God understood. We cannot always understand His way. We simply have to believe and keep faith, and when we do, all of His work becomes so clear to us within our own lives.

I have tons of things to be stressed over. However, I feel calm knowing that God has it under control. I believe with all of my heart that things happen for a reason. It's true that what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, and we must praise God through our struggles, not after them. The choices that bring us the most fear always bring us the most strength. We just have to stay positive! God is always with us, and so we should be fearful of nothing. He will take care of it. We should be thankful for our trials. They help shape us, and I am grateful for how mine are shaping me.

On a side note, Gracie is getting huge! She's 16.5 pounds now, a total chubster. She is full of so much energy still that she tires me out, but I am too blessed to have her. Every morning she makes me smile when she runs up, fiercely wagging her tail, and looking up at me with her dark eyes. She's honestly the sweetest gift God could have ever given me. I guess it's probably about time for a picture :)

She's my sweet girl. Cuddles with her mama.

But always find reasons to smile, even when you go through a gray period like I did. Yesterday was rough, to say the least, but today I feel completely renewed. Everything will be alright, I promise.