Gray Days

Bloggers and readers, I'm going to admit that today--I'm having a TERRIBLE day. I'm doing my very best to hold my head up, but I feel instead that I am merely shoving my feelings down and cementing over them. I'm torn over how I want to handle these impending issues on my heart and life: do I allow myself to embrace these emotions and act, or do I smother them down and let them harden me. I have felt the changes within myself, and they have happened quickly and suddenly. I never realized how someone could change so drastically overnight, and I have yet to discover whether this is a good change or an overall bad one. We preach that people should be strong, but I am wondering whether I am brewing strength or bitterness. I do not want to hold grudges against the people that have injured me, but I know no other way of keeping myself from further injury. I'll admit that I am an emotional person; I feel my emotions with a sense of romantic air that is difficult to release. However, I feel that I am beginning to lack in those emotions. They capture me with the same kind of rapid hunger that they always have, but then once the feelings have subsided, there is nothing left but a state of ugly numbness.

I suppose this is the change that is meant to occur, since all things do inevitably happen for a reason. It is truly difficult, for this is not the way that I have lived the majority of my life. I have always lived my life overwhelmed by my feelings, whether for good or bad. I have loved beyond I could handle and now I feel that I am tired. Walking away seems to be the correct option, but what do I choose to walk away from? That's the question that I don't know how to answer.

I admit that my faith had weakened. I'm simply tired. I still pray until I fall asleep, but I know the bubbling sensation of doubt is starting to form. The feeling is frightening, and it makes my daily life that much more empty and aimless. Perhaps the things causing me unrest are unimportant. I'm sure anyone with a stable footing in life would tell me, "Just move on. This is all nothing to worry about. You'll meet someone else. You'll make new friends. You have such a promising life!" But I feel like I am staring blankly into the eyes of someone who cannot understand. How can something that causes me so much grief be so unimportant and so temporary?

Again, I'm having a pretty terrible day. I'm looking forward to resting tonight, and perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. I will continue to pray, for prayer is its own form of healing.